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October 17, 2005
Employee Of The Month
SCENE OPEN: INTERIOR, MY OFFICE, ME BEHIND DESK WORKING
[ENTER: Her]
HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"
ME: "Now, why would I want to do that?"
HER: "Because we are all pitching in to get a gift for ..."
ME: "Did I get her pregnant?"
HER: "What?"
ME: "I asked, did I get her fucking pregnant?!?!"
HER: "I, uh... don't know what you're asking."
ME: "Oh, you don't? Well, let me spell it out for you."
ME: "You are standing there asking me for money as if I were the baby daddy."
ME: "Do you know who the father is?!"
HER: "Well, yes. It's..."
ME: "Not me! Right? ... Right?!?!"
HER: "I guess so."
ME: "Then why are you asking me for money?!?! I don't even know the woman!"
HER: "I just thought..."
ME: "If I wanted people stopping by my door all day asking for money, I would just stay home, where every third person walking by is a fucking bum, instead of driving my ass all the way to work everyday!"
HER: "But ..."
[ME PULLS OUT A NICKLE PLATED .45 FROM DESK DRAWER, CHAMBERS A ROUND, AND AIMS MENACINGLY AT HER]
ME: "Get the fuck out of my office before I blow your fucking head off!"
[HER HESITATES, FROZEN WITH TERROR]
HER: "Oh my Go..."
[ME PULLS TRIGGER BLASTING A WHOLE IN THE WALL NEARLY THE SIZE OF HER'S HEAD]
ME: "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"
[HER BOLTS OUT OF THE OFFICE SCREAMING]
[ME DROPS THE SMOKING WEAPON BACK INTO THE DESK DRAWER WITH A SATISFYING THUD AND RETURNS TO THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD TO RESUME WORKING]
FLASH BACK TO REALITY:
[ENTER: Her]
HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"
[ME DOES NOT LOOK UP]
ME: "Oh, I really can't do it this time, sorry."
[ME REMAINS FOCUSED ON COMPUTER SCREEN UNTIL HER LEAVES]
SCENE END
Work Posted By eBill at 09:54 AM
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Comments
I think someone has some anger issues...
Posted by: Fool at October 17, 2005 02:41 PM
Until *she* leaves, shouldn't it be?
Nickel plated Colt .45 1911? Ick. To the nickel plating, anyway. Ick.
Posted by: Malnurtured Snay at October 17, 2005 02:48 PM
Fool: Don't worry, those issues are well under control ... *flinch*... *eye tic*... Um, have you seen a bottle of pills lying about?
Snay: What the hell ya talkin' 'bout, buddy? Nickel is shiny and everybody likes shiny things.
Posted by: eBill at October 17, 2005 04:14 PM
I worked at one place for two years and never minded contributing to any baby shower, wedding shower, christmas, or birthday fund. For one girl's baby shower I gave $20, made cheesecake, and even brought some party favors.
I never got a card for my two birthdays at the company and, when I left the job, I got two candles as a parting gift. From Walmart.
I will never ever ever contribute again because of-
Hey! Something shiny!
Posted by: siana at October 17, 2005 06:54 PM
Me thinks thou protest too much. Are you certain that you're not the babydaddy?
Posted by: halsaxby at October 17, 2005 09:27 PM
