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January 20, 2006
Habanero Experience
Reminded by this post, I thought I would write down the story of my own pepper mishap.
Back in college, like fifty or eighty years ago, my neighbors invited me to a chili party. All attendees were expected to make and bring their favorite chili recipe. I don't remeber what sort of chili I made because I have no memory of this party other than the events that lead up to my horrible experience.
I was standing in the kitchen ladeling myself a bowl of chili while a friend of mine was showing me the bottle of habanero peppers he brought to the party. I love spicy food, therefore I accepted when he offered me one of his habanero peppers. "Just squeeze a little of the juice into your chili," my friend instructed, "They are way too hot to use a whole one." I cast my friend a sideways glance as if to say, "Pffft! You are obviously a fuckin' amateur." I crushed the pepper between my fingers and emptied all of the pepper juice into my bowl of chili. "Don't say I didn't warn you," my friend disclaimed.
That bowl of chili was easily the spiciest thing I had ever put in my mouth. Ever. My nose immediately began to run and I was soon sweating like I was doing jumping jacks in an attic. It was awesome! I loved it! After finishing the chili, I grabbed a beer to help cool my tongue a bit.
Beer is not well suited to counteract spice so a beer turned into a few beers. Soon enough, I cared much less about my burning tongue and more about my tightening bladder. I excused myself from the conversation I was having with my neighbor to use the bathroom.
I returned from my leak to find that my neighbor had been replaced by his wife. I didn't say much more than, "Hey," before I noticed a tingling sensation in my groinal area. At first it seemed kinda funny to me that my neighbor's wife made my penis tingle. But the tingle rapidly gave way to an alarming burning sensation as did my amusement to concern. I began to fidget in an attempt to reposition things without being completely obvious. All the while, my neighbor's wife is talking to me but I have no clue what she was saying.
The burning sensation was worsening and it spread to the ol' coin purse. I was only dimly aware that my neighbor's wife had stopped talking and was now watching me dance about in an attempt to shake off the searing pain that had quite literally seized me by the balls. Unable to bear the pain any longer, I grabbed myself, gave my neighbor's wife a horrified look, and bolted for the bathroom. The look on my neighbor's wife's face had to be priceless, I wish I could have seen it.
The next thing I remember is standing in the shower under cold water still wearing my socks. I was madly grabbing every product I get my hands on and rubbing, lathering, or squirting it on my crotch. If only they had kept the milk in the shower. It took several minutes but the pain finally began to subside to a tolerable level. I vaguely remember getting clothed again, briefly explaining what happened, and leaving with my dripping socks in hand.
Stupidity Posted By eBill at 11:38 AM
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