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October 31, 2005
Ask EBill
Dear eBill,
I was wondering how I could get my friends to question my sexuality. You see I find that my sexuality is far too rigidly defined and I would like to add some ambiguity to my life. What should I do?
-- HEGEMONIC MALE
Dear HEGEMONIC,
Here's what you do. The next time you attend a party thrown by good friends, get liquored up and snap a picture of the host's penis while he relieves himself outdoors. Works like a charm.
eBill
Posted by eBill at 04:43 PM Comments (0) TrackBack
October 26, 2005
Now I Look Like This
Well, I have been threatening to do it for about a week now and I finally did it. I shaved my face down to bare metal. I do it from time to time but it is so infrequent that even the people that have seen me in the past without facial hair are taken aback by it every time I do it. There are countless comments and questions every time. Some funny, some not. This time, my friend and coworker, El, shared with me the story of why he shaved his van dyke for good (actually, he told me the last time I went clean shaven but I didn't write it down ... so just pretend it happened this time, okay?).
El was a bit of a hipster artist in college: Long hair, facial hair (a van dyke, in fact), tattoos, piercings, and well; you get the picture. Anyway, El was still at that point in life where you believe you'll never change. You'll always have long hair, facial hair, visible piercings, etc. That all changed one day with a simple comment from El's aunt. Well, maybe not everything but definitely his thoughts on keeping hair around his mouth.
Another thing to note about El is that he was acutely aware of anything that minimized his masculinity (or so I gathered from the story). This trait of El's played a key role in his decision to go clean shaven as you will soon see.
El was home visiting from college. During this visit many relatives dropped by whom El had not seen in a sigficant amount of time. Many were stunned by his appearance as they had not seen him since he had gone off to college, wet behind the ears. Stunned they may have been but none spoke up about El's new look except, that is, for his aunt.
El's aunt walked up to him, looked him up and down as if to take in her new nephew that replaced the old El. She looked him in the eye, grabbed the goatee portion of his van dyke, gave it a little tug and said, "That is so interesting, El, I've been pissing through one of these things for forty years."
And that was the day El went clean shaven.
Posted by eBill at 07:11 PM Comments (0) TrackBack
Fuck Button
Design and 3D rendering by eBill
Posted by eBill at 09:58 AM Comments (2) TrackBack
October 24, 2005
Bogged Down At Work
Blah! I am currently swamped at work and have not had a chance to play on the internets. However, I wanted to take a quick moment to direct anyone that 1) Might actually read my blather and 2) Is a responsible pet owner looking for a nice kitty, here.
Posted by eBill at 03:43 PM Comments (0) TrackBack
October 19, 2005
Step One: Admitting We Are Powerless
My friend/coworker and I used to play Trivia Whiz a couple times a week in the bar below our place of employment. At first it was just something to do over lunch. Then, one day, we got the high score. We named our team Turd and thought it funny that Turd had the high score. A couple days later our high score had been beaten. Suddenly it became an obsession with us to keep the Turd afloat, so to speak.
We started out small, a buck here, a buck there. But it wasn't long before we were dropping five bucks a pop to maintain our high. We left the competition behind and began to compete with our own high scores. No matter how high we scored it wasn't high enough. We told ourselves we'd quit once we broke 100 million. 100 million came and went and still we played. Now, Turd dominates the scoreboard with no score less than 100 million. But, at what price?
Some 400 games, $133.00+, several jobs, and a couple marriages later we have finally hit our bottom and admitted that we are powerless over... Ooh look, there's a dollar in my jacket pocket. *yoink*
See ya! Turd rules!
Posted by eBill at 10:21 AM Comments (0) TrackBack
October 18, 2005
My Pretty Punkin
Photography by eBill
Posted by eBill at 09:57 AM Comments (4) TrackBack
October 17, 2005
Oops, I Farted A Little
Tonight I laughed so hard with someone that I farted which made us laugh even more. It was one of those laughing fits that had to die down with a series of shorter and less intense laughing fits until there is just the occassional snort and eventually the final sigh. It has been a considerable length of time since I have laughed like that; like a kid. It felt indescribably good and all in the world seems just right. Moments like these are what life is all about.
Posted by eBill at 10:50 PM Comments (0) TrackBack
Employee Of The Month
SCENE OPEN: INTERIOR, MY OFFICE, ME BEHIND DESK WORKING
[ENTER: Her]
HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"
ME: "Now, why would I want to do that?"
HER: "Because we are all pitching in to get a gift for ..."
ME: "Did I get her pregnant?"
HER: "What?"
ME: "I asked, did I get her fucking pregnant?!?!"
HER: "I, uh... don't know what you're asking."
ME: "Oh, you don't? Well, let me spell it out for you."
ME: "You are standing there asking me for money as if I were the baby daddy."
ME: "Do you know who the father is?!"
HER: "Well, yes. It's..."
ME: "Not me! Right? ... Right?!?!"
HER: "I guess so."
ME: "Then why are you asking me for money?!?! I don't even know the woman!"
HER: "I just thought..."
ME: "If I wanted people stopping by my door all day asking for money, I would just stay home, where every third person walking by is a fucking bum, instead of driving my ass all the way to work everyday!"
HER: "But ..."
[ME PULLS OUT A NICKLE PLATED .45 FROM DESK DRAWER, CHAMBERS A ROUND, AND AIMS MENACINGLY AT HER]
ME: "Get the fuck out of my office before I blow your fucking head off!"
[HER HESITATES, FROZEN WITH TERROR]
HER: "Oh my Go..."
[ME PULLS TRIGGER BLASTING A WHOLE IN THE WALL NEARLY THE SIZE OF HER'S HEAD]
ME: "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"
[HER BOLTS OUT OF THE OFFICE SCREAMING]
[ME DROPS THE SMOKING WEAPON BACK INTO THE DESK DRAWER WITH A SATISFYING THUD AND RETURNS TO THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD TO RESUME WORKING]
FLASH BACK TO REALITY:
[ENTER: Her]
HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"
[ME DOES NOT LOOK UP]
ME: "Oh, I really can't do it this time, sorry."
[ME REMAINS FOCUSED ON COMPUTER SCREEN UNTIL HER LEAVES]
SCENE END
Posted by eBill at 09:54 AM Comments (5) TrackBack
October 14, 2005
Here Goes...
I hope you are all happy, goddamnit! Now I have a blog. More accurately, I now have a public blog. You see, I wrote blog software for SDSU and incorporated it into my own Web site but hid it from prying eyes along with everything else on my website. It makes for a boring website but, hey, ya gotta take baby steps exposing yourself to the entire globe. Anyway, we'll see how this goes. I have posted a few of my more recent writings to mark this monumental and historic event. I guess that's about it for now.
Posted by eBill at 11:58 AM Comments (5) TrackBack