Since I started hanging out with bloggers, I have had to answer the question, "So, do you have a blog?" in the negative. Now I can proudly say, "Yes, yes! I do in fact have a blog. For I am a protestant! And, if the urge struck me, I could march down to the corner store and purchase a condom." - eBill (with thanks to Monty Python)

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December 28, 2005

It Wasn't Me, I Swear!


Photography by eBill

Posted by eBill at 04:59 PM

December 23, 2005

Headlines

Today was a beautiful day to go walking about Fell's Point, which I did. I stopped in Jimmy's Restaurant for lunch and ordered the tuna melt sandwich. While waiting for my order, I wandered over to the corner of restaurant and picked through the communal newspapers find the front page of today's Baltimore Sun.

I was still scanning the front page when my order arrived and I paused to take a big bite of my tasty tuna melt. Mmmm, it was good! Continuing to chew, I turned to page two. Suddenly my tuna melt sandwich was leaving my mouth at around mach 3, splattering all over the headline I had just read:


Hubble images show more rings, moons around Uranus


Yeah, I'm a sucker for unexpected potty humor.

Posted by eBill at 04:04 PM   Comments (3)   TrackBack

December 22, 2005

Lunch Midwestern Style


Cheese Toastie and Ketchup by eBill 2005

Posted by eBill at 01:40 PM   Comments (2)   TrackBack

And Now, An Angry Post

Just moments ago, I got to change my tire in a fucking parking lot once again. It appears that the patch installed by Sears failed. Of course I can take the tire back to Sears and have them repair it again at no cost but they are batting one thousand for fucking up my car. As a matter of fact, every goddamned mechanic I have patronized in the entire state of Maryland has a perfect batting average when it comes to breaking my car, except the Toyota dealership. If I keep going to the dealership for repairs, I might as well just start buying a new car every time the one I have breaks.

What the fuck is wrong with Maryland mechanics?!?! How the fuck do Marylanders get their goddamned cars fixed? Am I just expecting too much?

Posted by eBill at 12:35 PM   Comments (4)   TrackBack

First, A Pleasant Post

We went to Gecko's again last night. Gecko's is rapidly moving it's way up our list of favorite places. They have awesome margaritas and excellent food. Oh, and this guy has got to be THE nicest bartender in Baltimore Maryland the United States the world the entire galaxy. If you get a chance, stop by and sample their fare. Excercise caution though, I am convinced they put crack in the margaritas. Oh, and the Chesapeake Chili is freakin' awesome! Sweet, spicy, and seafoody!

Posted by eBill at 12:11 PM   Comments (0)   TrackBack

December 20, 2005

Weird Shit I Notice

Ever listen closely to the spinning, whirring noises an ATM makes during the cash dispensation process? It sounds to me like the the little motors are either singing the ballpark Charge! song or the laughing portion of the Woody Woodpecker Theme.

Has anyone else ever noticed this?

Posted by eBill at 02:42 PM   Comments (2)   TrackBack

Hey Future! Do Me a Favor, Huh?

Holy freaking God! Is it possible that my childhood icon is turning 60 today? Why couldn't Peter Criss have died in a blaze of Rock-n-Roll glory (i.e. choke to death on his own puke while passed out in a razed hotel room full of groupies)? I cannot stand to see him like this.

Please! People of the future, I beg of you! When time machines are invented, please, please, please go back in time and make sure that Peter Criss dies a proper Rock-n-Roll death. Oh, let's say during the final show of the Alive II tour, okay? The choking on puke thing has been over done so why don't you go with something like rigging his drum set with high explosives and detonating it at the end of Detroit Rock City. Oh! That would be freakin' sweet! I could live with that memory.

Thanks a bunch - E

p.s. Oh, and while you're there in the past make sure you work over my Mom so that she doesn't take away my KISS tickets this time for getting a D on my report card.

Posted by eBill at 10:04 AM   Comments (3)   TrackBack

December 14, 2005

I Hate Owning A Car

Yesterday, my car started acting up so I took it into the dealership this morning. Why the dealership? Because every other service experience I have had in the state of Maryland has either resulted in a more broken vehicle or a vehicle with less parts. So, now I only trust the dealership. Of course, the drawback is that you get ass-raped every time you step foot on the premises.

The Head Technician calls me into his interrogation room to discuss what needs to be repaired on my car. This is how it went from my point of view:

HT: Okay Mr. EBill if you could just drop your pants, bend over, and grab the arms of that chair for me, please.

EBILL: Uh, do we have to do this?

HT: It's company policy.

EBILL: [SIGHS] Just make it quick, okay?

HT: Okay, let me just get a hand up there. 'Eeeeeeere we go. Aaaaand ... the other one.

[HT DIGS AROUND FOR A BIT IN EBILL'S BUM AND EXTRACTS AN ESTIMATE]

HT: Okay, Mr. EBill, that'll be $1,200.00. You can pay the cashier in the lounge.

EBILL: You could have used some lube, ya know?

HT: Our insurance doesn't cover that. Slip hazard.

EBILL: Can you at least give me something to stop the bleeding?

HT: Sure thing Mr. EBill. Here ya go [TOSSES A ONE INCH SQUARE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED GAUZE PACKAGE ACROSS THE DESK] and that brings your total to $1,325.00. Take care now, and Happy Holidays.

In reality, I was able to get it down to around $600 by refusing various ancillary repairs. The bitch of it is that it was all shit I could do myself if I had a warm place to work. What further pisses me off is the disgusting state of public transportation in this and most U.S. cities. There is virtually no alternative to owning a fucking car!

Fuck you, politicians!
Fuck you, lobbyists!
Fuck you, insurance companies!
Fuck you, whomever else needs it!

FUCK! ...

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Posted by eBill at 12:15 PM   Comments (3)   TrackBack

December 12, 2005

I Love Weekends

So, I had this crazy dream Saturday morning. I was making out with this hot (and I mean H-O-T) chick. The make out session got out of control and the next thing I knew, she was riding me like there was no tomorrow. Her orgasm pushed me over the edge and I dug my fingers into her back and announced the arrival of my own orgasm with loud grunting and yelling.

In the wake of copulation, she looks out the bedroom window and states, "A Lexus SUV with New York plates just parked out front." Suddenly, the doorbell rang. I frantically pulled on some clothing and ran downstairs to answer the door. There were two guys standing ouside the door and one one of them was this guy and they were both laughing.

I opened the door and nervously said, "Hey! What's up?" afraid that they had heard my orgasmic bellowing. They explained that they were at my house to pick up a table. I invited them in and we went down to the basement to get this big-ass light table I have. We each took a piece and carried it out to the Lexus SUV and loaded it up. There were a couple ladies in the vehicle; they waved at me and I politely waved back.

After the table was loaded we said our goodbyes and they they climbed into the Lexus and drove off.

WAIT A MINUTE! ... THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!

As it turns out, this guy is married to my coworker's wife's sister (What does that make him? Brother in-law-in-law?). This is the same coworker that used to date this woman. Anyway, my coworker shows up tp pick up the table just about the time I am making my "O" face. I run downstairs only to discover my coworker had enlisted the help of his wife's sister's husband to pick up the table.

They are standing outside laughing. I thought they were laughing because they heard me yellin' Jeebus' name. In reality they were laughing because they were trying to figure out what this sticker on my door is all about.

The ladies in the SUV were, in fact, their wives.

Other than the fact that one visitor has been in about a bajillion movies and television shows, it was a pretty normal exchange.

Let's see what else happened this weekend ...

Posted by eBill at 10:46 PM   Comments (6)   TrackBack

Teaser Post

This dude was totally in my house this weekend.

Posted by eBill at 10:43 AM   Comments (6)   TrackBack

December 07, 2005

Lift Your Feet, Asshole!

I had my car serviced this morning before work. While the service was conducted, I waited in the dealership's customer lounge. There were 3 other customers sitting in the lounge in addition to a talkative man mopping the floor. The mopping man was not asking anyone to move or anything like that but myself and two of the other customers either lifted our feet or relocated for the man so that he could mop beneath our seats.

The third customer didn't move at all. In fact, he just shifted in his seat so that he was not looking directly at the mopping man. The mopping man didn't seem to care and merrily mopped around customer-3's feet. I, on the other hand, wanted to leap the distance of the room, pull customer-3 up by his lapels, bitch-slap his punk-ass, scold his mother for not teaching him any manners, and then rub his nose in the dirty spot left beneath his seat.

It's the little things, you know?

Posted by eBill at 10:39 AM   Comments (1)   TrackBack

December 05, 2005

See 3PO Run

Circa September 2005

3PO is my company's Database Administrator (DBA). 3PO is a stereotypical DBA, i.e. he is one weird dude.

One day I happened to run into 3PO as he was exiting the building and I was returning. "Hey 3PO," I asked, "How's it goin?" The question was only intended to be a polite greeting in passing. However, 3PO takes everything entirely literally. "Oh, uh," he began, searching his internal database for a matching answer to my query, "I don't feel so good. I think I need to excercise more." I replied simply, "Run, then." Honestly, I was not the least bit surprised when 3PO took of running like a bat-out-of-hell.

The following Monday we gathered for our weekly status meeting. Our lead QA tech came in and sat down saying she had recently seen the damndest thing. She was returning from the mall late last week when suddenly 3PO came sprinting down the sidewalk for no apparent reason. Didn't wave or anything, just went tearing-ass down the sidewalk to nowhere in particular.

Dude is seriously weird.

Posted by eBill at 02:54 PM   Comments (0)   TrackBack

A Mild Funk

Well, my brother left for Chicago last night. The house seems empty without his furniture and omnipresence. I can't help but feel that I drove him away with my older-brother style lectures and demands.

It is a long story (which I may tell at another time) that can be summarized by stating that my brother is convinced that he cannot freee himself from the world of low-paying, hazardous-environment, no benefits labor force. Because of this mind set he resists applying himself to well, anything. At least, that is how I see it.

Anyway, during the several months my brother lived here, I begged, pleaded, assisted, subsidized, yelled, and probably screamed; all in an effort to peel back the haze he appears to live within and help him see what could be. Most often, he would sit in silent indignance listening to whatever it was I was saying. It came to the point where I could say nothing else, nor could I continue to enable him to live the way he was living. I told him it was time to make a decision: get on the ball or find another place to live.

I laid out a set of needs I had that he would have to meet in order to continue living in my house. He seemed to find said list agreeable and even a little excited about it. In the end, however, he chose to leave. My brother maintains that it finally came down to the fact that he simply dislikes Baltimore but I have this nagging feeling that there was more to it than he let on.

I said goodbye to him last night. I Told him that I love him and successfully fought back the tears like a good male. I know this is the best course of action but deep down I wanted to be the catalyst that lead to the discovery of his own self worth.

I wish him the best.
I hope he finds what he is looking for.
I will get over this.

And, hey, hopefully I will have a place to stay during future visits to Chi-town.

Hmm ... I feel a little bit better already.

Posted by eBill at 12:03 PM   Comments (1)   TrackBack