Since I started hanging out with bloggers, I have had to answer the question, "So, do you have a blog?" in the negative. Now I can proudly say, "Yes, yes! I do in fact have a blog. For I am a protestant! And, if the urge struck me, I could march down to the corner store and purchase a condom." - eBill (with thanks to Monty Python)

December 22, 2005

And Now, An Angry Post

Just moments ago, I got to change my tire in a fucking parking lot once again. It appears that the patch installed by Sears failed. Of course I can take the tire back to Sears and have them repair it again at no cost but they are batting one thousand for fucking up my car. As a matter of fact, every goddamned mechanic I have patronized in the entire state of Maryland has a perfect batting average when it comes to breaking my car, except the Toyota dealership. If I keep going to the dealership for repairs, I might as well just start buying a new car every time the one I have breaks.

What the fuck is wrong with Maryland mechanics?!?! How the fuck do Marylanders get their goddamned cars fixed? Am I just expecting too much?

Posted by eBill at 12:35 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 14, 2005

I Hate Owning A Car

Yesterday, my car started acting up so I took it into the dealership this morning. Why the dealership? Because every other service experience I have had in the state of Maryland has either resulted in a more broken vehicle or a vehicle with less parts. So, now I only trust the dealership. Of course, the drawback is that you get ass-raped every time you step foot on the premises.

The Head Technician calls me into his interrogation room to discuss what needs to be repaired on my car. This is how it went from my point of view:

HT: Okay Mr. EBill if you could just drop your pants, bend over, and grab the arms of that chair for me, please.

EBILL: Uh, do we have to do this?

HT: It's company policy.

EBILL: [SIGHS] Just make it quick, okay?

HT: Okay, let me just get a hand up there. 'Eeeeeeere we go. Aaaaand ... the other one.

[HT DIGS AROUND FOR A BIT IN EBILL'S BUM AND EXTRACTS AN ESTIMATE]

HT: Okay, Mr. EBill, that'll be $1,200.00. You can pay the cashier in the lounge.

EBILL: You could have used some lube, ya know?

HT: Our insurance doesn't cover that. Slip hazard.

EBILL: Can you at least give me something to stop the bleeding?

HT: Sure thing Mr. EBill. Here ya go [TOSSES A ONE INCH SQUARE INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED GAUZE PACKAGE ACROSS THE DESK] and that brings your total to $1,325.00. Take care now, and Happy Holidays.

In reality, I was able to get it down to around $600 by refusing various ancillary repairs. The bitch of it is that it was all shit I could do myself if I had a warm place to work. What further pisses me off is the disgusting state of public transportation in this and most U.S. cities. There is virtually no alternative to owning a fucking car!

Fuck you, politicians!
Fuck you, lobbyists!
Fuck you, insurance companies!
Fuck you, whomever else needs it!

FUCK! ...

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

Posted by eBill at 12:15 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

December 07, 2005

Lift Your Feet, Asshole!

I had my car serviced this morning before work. While the service was conducted, I waited in the dealership's customer lounge. There were 3 other customers sitting in the lounge in addition to a talkative man mopping the floor. The mopping man was not asking anyone to move or anything like that but myself and two of the other customers either lifted our feet or relocated for the man so that he could mop beneath our seats.

The third customer didn't move at all. In fact, he just shifted in his seat so that he was not looking directly at the mopping man. The mopping man didn't seem to care and merrily mopped around customer-3's feet. I, on the other hand, wanted to leap the distance of the room, pull customer-3 up by his lapels, bitch-slap his punk-ass, scold his mother for not teaching him any manners, and then rub his nose in the dirty spot left beneath his seat.

It's the little things, you know?

Posted by eBill at 10:39 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 30, 2005

Jesus Christ Penney

What the fuck is going on in this goddamned country? Did everybody turn into a fucking Jesus Freak on me while I wasn't looking? When the hell did it become a good business decision for a major department store to have a Jesus section? I mean, fuck!

A couple days ago, I went to JC Penney in the mall near my place of employment. You see, the seasons are changing which means I can find some cheap clothes from the previous season to update my wardrobe. Anyone that knows me can tell you that my wardrobe needs some serious updating. My wardrobe still reflects living in San Diego. Shorts, shorts, and more shorts. Oh, and an assload of tee shirts. But I digress.

I am walking around the store and a Family Guy tee shirt catches my eye. I approach the display table and begin poking around. There are a few Family Guy tee shirts in addition to Napoleon Dynamite shirts, and couple random shirts with painfully stupid sayings emblazoned on the front. It suddenly dawned on me that the majority of the shirts in the display were Jesus themed. Shirts with messages like:

"Souled Out: The Jesus Tour"
"Jesus Athletics"
"Jesus Lifeguard"

Oh, and get this one! I'm not exactly sure if it was part of the Jesus display but it sure as fuck fit the underlying theme. The shirt design was that of a traffic sign with the text, "SORRY: Mind closed until further notice." I shit you not!

It didn't stop there. As I stared at the display in disbelief, the background shopping music began to claw its way toward the foreground of my consciousness. Oh my fucking god! They were playing Christian shopping music. I began picking out snippets of lyrics such as, "Faith is all there is," and "You have to believe." WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?!? Is this some sort of Pavlovian experiment? Or has the JC in JC Penney always stood for Jesus Christ and I have just never noticed before?

Posted by eBill at 12:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

September 23, 2005

Band Bitch

Sometimes I hate being in a band. The internal struggles, personality conflicts, artistic disagreements, and various other conflicts can become quite tiresome. We are currenlty in a heated debate over a contract we have been asked to sign in order to play a music conference gig in Baltimore. I feel the contract is too broad in its scope and is a thinly veiled mechanism designed to usurp small-time bands on the off chance that one of the bands will hit it big someday. The contract uses words like, "Forever," and, "Worldwide," during the the course of discussing their ownership and licensing rights of all photos and recordings taken at the conference. To me, it smacks of hidden agendas.

In the beginning of all this, the conference was smaller in scale, scheduled to occur in a park near my house, and focused on local music. Now, the coference is blown out of proportion. The venue has been changed to a fucking parking lot between sports stadiums And has lost its focus on local music by trying to draw bands nationwide. I am just not interested in it anymore. My sudden disinterest has angered the band member that did all the leg-work to book the gig. I can't say I blame him but I don't think it is reason enough to go ahead with the gig. As far as I am concerned, the conference altered its mission and should expect some bands to pull out as a result.

So, all five of us are sending emails back and forth airing our gripes and frustrations with the conference as well as each other. There are several private, parallel threads flying around griping about so-and-so's last response. It is, quite honestly, catty. But to end on an up note, as much as I dislike this part of being in a band I am glad I know these people. They are good friends and I will miss them greatly when I move.

Posted by eBill at 12:00 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack