January 03, 2006

Oust the Oust?

I will probably be the next person fired or laid-off for what I am about to say but I just don't care:

The repulsive woman (Old Lusty) that has/had a crush on me at work has finally been let go and I couldn't be happier.

• No more elevators that smell like death covered up by cheap perfume.
• No more banshee-style cackling.
• No more needless stops by my office with pointless questions.
• No more need for me to keep a can of Oust close at hand.
• No more looking at the ground so that I do not have to actually view her fucked up plastic surgery.
• No more of her inane conversations in the kitchen area which just so happens to be right outside my office.
• No more bolting for the stairwell when I see her refelection approaching in the stainless steel elevator doors.

I am considering throwing my can of Oust into the trash in a celebratory manner. But what if she comes back to visit? What do I do then? The mere thought of the remote possibility of being caught in Old Lusty's presence without my precious Oust will very likely keep that can safe from the trash for years to come.

Posted by eBill at 10:27 AM

December 05, 2005

See 3PO Run

Circa September 2005

3PO is my company's Database Administrator (DBA). 3PO is a stereotypical DBA, i.e. he is one weird dude.

One day I happened to run into 3PO as he was exiting the building and I was returning. "Hey 3PO," I asked, "How's it goin?" The question was only intended to be a polite greeting in passing. However, 3PO takes everything entirely literally. "Oh, uh," he began, searching his internal database for a matching answer to my query, "I don't feel so good. I think I need to excercise more." I replied simply, "Run, then." Honestly, I was not the least bit surprised when 3PO took of running like a bat-out-of-hell.

The following Monday we gathered for our weekly status meeting. Our lead QA tech came in and sat down saying she had recently seen the damndest thing. She was returning from the mall late last week when suddenly 3PO came sprinting down the sidewalk for no apparent reason. Didn't wave or anything, just went tearing-ass down the sidewalk to nowhere in particular.

Dude is seriously weird.

Posted by eBill at 02:54 PM | Comments (0) | TrackBack

November 29, 2005

A Glimpse Inside The Minds Of My Coworkers

Here is the latest link flying around work via email. Make sure you check out the customer reviews, some are quite funny.

Posted by eBill at 09:07 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 07, 2005

What Where They Thinking?

The restrooms at my place of employment recently received upgrades to the hand-soap dispensers. We are now fully auotmatic when it comes to hand-soap dispensation 'round these here parts. One merely places a hand beneath the modern looking spigot and *Splorp* a dollop of liquid hand-soap is conveniently disharged into one's palm.

What I would like to know is: What the hell were they thinking when the decision was made to fill these dispenesers with pearly-white, liquid soap? To quote a coworker, "Every time I go to the bathroom ... I feel like a hooker."

Posted by eBill at 01:36 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

October 17, 2005

Employee Of The Month

SCENE OPEN: INTERIOR, MY OFFICE, ME BEHIND DESK WORKING

[ENTER: Her]

HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"
ME: "Now, why would I want to do that?"
HER: "Because we are all pitching in to get a gift for ..."
ME: "Did I get her pregnant?"
HER: "What?"
ME: "I asked, did I get her fucking pregnant?!?!"
HER: "I, uh... don't know what you're asking."
ME: "Oh, you don't? Well, let me spell it out for you."
ME: "You are standing there asking me for money as if I were the baby daddy."
ME: "Do you know who the father is?!"
HER: "Well, yes. It's..."
ME: "Not me! Right? ... Right?!?!"
HER: "I guess so."
ME: "Then why are you asking me for money?!?! I don't even know the woman!"
HER: "I just thought..."
ME: "If I wanted people stopping by my door all day asking for money, I would just stay home, where every third person walking by is a fucking bum, instead of driving my ass all the way to work everyday!"
HER: "But ..."

[ME PULLS OUT A NICKLE PLATED .45 FROM DESK DRAWER, CHAMBERS A ROUND, AND AIMS MENACINGLY AT HER]

ME: "Get the fuck out of my office before I blow your fucking head off!"

[HER HESITATES, FROZEN WITH TERROR]

HER: "Oh my Go..."

[ME PULLS TRIGGER BLASTING A WHOLE IN THE WALL NEARLY THE SIZE OF HER'S HEAD]

ME: "I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!!!"

[HER BOLTS OUT OF THE OFFICE SCREAMING]

[ME DROPS THE SMOKING WEAPON BACK INTO THE DESK DRAWER WITH A SATISFYING THUD AND RETURNS TO THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD TO RESUME WORKING]

FLASH BACK TO REALITY:

[ENTER: Her]

HER: "Hey, do you want to contribute to the company baby shower?"

[ME DOES NOT LOOK UP]

ME: "Oh, I really can't do it this time, sorry."

[ME REMAINS FOCUSED ON COMPUTER SCREEN UNTIL HER LEAVES]

SCENE END

Posted by eBill at 09:54 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack